Scroggins Crosswired Local News is a feature of Steve Scroggins Peachy Pages.

Scroggins Crosswired Local News

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Scroggins Crosswired Local News is a feature of Steve Scroggins Peachy Pages.

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January 28, 2000

 Blast of hot air delays storm's arrival

Central Georgians can thank President Clinton for delaying the winter storm that some thought would strike before sunrise. The State of the Union address generated a body of hot air that spun in a counter-clockwise direction southward from Washington and slowed the arrival of snow and ice in the central Georgia area.

Among the notable programs proposed by the president, the Super Bowl Self-Esteem Act, if passed, would nullify the Super Bowl picks made on the AM940 radio show. Clinton said in his 90 minute speech, "Too much unnecessary suffering results from the Super Bowl. Every year a team suffers a humiliating loss. Half the football fans in the nation suffer for days, and some weeks. We cannot allow this to continue. I hope you'll pass the legislation I'm forwarding to declare both teams a winner."

Passage of the Self-Esteem Act would, in effect, make no one a winner and would assure that no one won the prizes offered by AM940.


January 27, 2000

 Winter storm panic excites grocers, idiots, rednecks

The approaching winter storm will be an economic boom for local grocers, wrecker services, body repair shops and rednecks, says Bibb County Emergency Management Agency chief, Johnny Wingers. "Most days we live and work among idiots but we're not completely aware of it," Wingers said. "But let some snow or ice get on the road, and the idiots make themselves visible. They won't slow down, they slide all over the road then act surprised when they get injured or wreck their cars."

But Wingers didn't want to emphasize only the negative aspects of winter weather. "We know that grocers love this. They sell their entire stock of milk, bread, beer and toilet paper every time a flake flies," Wingers said. "And rednecks live for this. It's their chance to ride around in their 4-wheel-drive trucks and pull stranded vehicles out of ditches. Some take no payment, others accept beer or cash for their services. That's why many folks get extra beer and store it in their vehicles. Rednecks will accept beer as payment for vehicle rescues, especially when the stores sell out---they'd rather have beer than cash. Citizens should be prepared. Stay off the road if you can, but if you must drive, carry at least a six-pack in your trunk."

The Bibb County EMA is considering another service for local residents, Wingers said. "We'll turn on the emergency sirens all over the county when the first flake is reported. That way, rednecks and others can get an early jump on the panic."


January 26, 2000

Sports hall needs $100,000 A/C upgrade or to 'get rough' on door loiterers

The Georgia Sports Hall of Fame, a brand-new building in downtown Macon, apparently needs $100,000 for improvements to the building's heating, ventilation and air conditioning system. The budget allocation is in the proposed state budget for 2000.

Open less than a year, the museum already has a good HVAC system, said Alice Knierim, the museum's executive director. But the extra money is needed to upgrade the system to meet museum standards, which call for 55 percent humidity for exhibits.

The system was not initially equipped to handle museum-standard humidity levels because of some confusion over the English language. "When we said 'low humidity' they thought we said "no stupidity,'" Knierim said.

"The alternative would be to hire some former football and hockey players to monitor door control. When those lollygaggers and loiterers hold the door open too long---letting humidity in---our door monitors would have to give them a stiff tackle or body-check to close the door quickly. They could wear sports uniforms [hockey and football] to fit our theme but our marketing experts tell us that visitors don't want to see exhibits with that level of realism. Then our legal folks got in a tizzy about liability and injury litigation. So, we proposed to solve the problem with an AC upgrade."


January 25, 2000

False alarm on warning sirens awakens Macon; snooze feature proposed

Emergency sirens awakened residents all over Macon about 230am Sunday morning.

Numerous people catapulted into closets and bounded down basement stairs to seek cover from the soon-to-hit tornado. Others flipped on outside lights and ran to the window to see just how high the river waters had risen. But many just rolled over and covered their ears. Some didn't even hear it.

And then many got ticked off when some of the alarms didn't go off.

"911 called me and said the sirens were going off and they couldn't kill 'em," said Johnny Wingers, head of the Macon-Bibb County Emergency Management Agency. "Immediately we got some got turned off," Wingers said.

EMA and the Emergency-911 Center have computer codes they punch into the siren system that will shut them off. But for some reason, the codes didn't work on all 37 sirens. Some areas of town heard a continuous wailing until 4-something a.m.

"Police and sheriff's deputies said they were too busy when we asked them to go out and shoot those sirens. We had to dispatch firefighters to pull the breakers and shut off power on those sirens that wouldn't shut off," Wingers said. "A lot of folks just want to sleep in no matter and take their chances on tornadoes, so we're looking into sirens with a 'snooze' feature."

 


January 24, 2000

 Boss Hawg's alcohol license in jeopardy; videotape sales brisk

Undercover officers reportedly tape nude dancing at Bibb club

Boss Hawg's, an Emery Highway nightspot that supposedly features booze and scantily clad women, agreed to abide by the law when the establishment reopened in April 1998 after a two-year losing battle to feature nude dancers. The Bibb County Commission enacted an ordinance that forbids nude dancing in most places that get more than 20 percent of their income from alcohol sales or in any place where the women are ugly.

"I was getting complaints, and I personally went out there three times and warned the owner that nude dancing is a no-no in Bibb County---especially if the women are ugly, said Bibb County Sheriff's Vice head Lt. Rex Rover. "If the women were nicer looking, I probably wouldn't have any complaints."

But the complaints kept coming. So in October and December, Rover sent undercover agents into Hawg's to find out if laws were being violated. "We took those small video cameras and filmed everything," Rover said. "Apparently, we went on some good nights because those girls were...well, let's just say they were easy on the eye."

Bibb County officials will hold a hearing to determine whether to revoke Boss Hawg's liquor license. Meanwhile videotape sales are brisk and all the proceeds will benefit a good cause, the Fraternal Order of Law Enforcement Regulars (FOOLER), Rover said. "We should have thought of this videotape fundraiser years ago."

Boss Hawgs attorney Ben Sheister has threatened to file suit for copyright violations if Bibb proceeds with the liquor license revocation. "My client would like to remain open as a bar, with no nude dancers, and just show those FOOLER tapes on a big screen," Sheister said. "FOOLER gets money for the tapes, my client could save money on dancers and bouncers---it's a win-win situation."

 

  


Disclaimer: The accounts, quotes and stories on this page are wholly fictitious and intended as satire and humor. Although real names may be used and all good humor has an element of truth, this stuff ain't real. If you didn't already know these stories were bogus, then you're not too bright. --Steve Scroggins

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These parodies are frequently featured on the NewsTalk940 WMAC morning show with Kenny & Charles.

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To read the "real" news that inspires these stories, read The Macon Telegraph online.

Read Ed Grisamore's column about these parodies.

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